As my daughter nears the one year mark, I feel a need to document some of the things I've felt since her birth. At a time in my life that I felt I truly knew who I was and what I wanted in and out of my life, the birth of my child, and returning to work, have flipped me upside down. I never knew I could love so fully or feel so vulnerable. I've got a handle on things, but it's been a journey and it's constantly changing.
My list of worries and concerns in no typical order:
- Do I advocate for her as best as I can?
- Am I neglecting my husband?
- Am I neglecting myself?
- How do I balance mother and wife and what is left of me anyways?
- Is my relationship coming second, when I always swore it would come first?
- Why, when I love my daughter and cherish the moments with her, do I actually look forward to alone time?
- Should I feel guilty about all these questions?
- When this should be (and is) the happiest and most rewarding time in my life, why do I find myself smiling less?
- Would she be behind if I stayed at home?
- Does she get the attention she needs and deserves (both at home and daycare)?
- Am I falling behind in my career because I've settled into a non-demanding and uncreative position? Should I care that I might be?
- Why can't I just let her be who she is and not fret over every little thing she may behind on?
- Should I feel bad that I look forward to going to work at the end of the weekend?
- Should I feel bad that I'm looking forward to giving up breastfeeding?
- Why don't I take care of myself the way I used to?
- Do I feed her as much variety as I could/should?
- Does she get what she needs from me?
- Is any or some of how I've felt even remotely normal?